Day 4- Starting Over
What is this blog about?
It serves as multiple things.
It serves as a journal of my thoughts in my grieving process from my break up.
It serves as a gauge of where I am with the break up.
And who knows what else?
Either way, this will be a blog I write for the next 30 days.
I know I'm starting on day 4, but this idea just came to me today to write this blog.
It's going to document my "not contacting" "Em" and the feelings/actions involved.
I'll go more in detail probably about what happened as I do more entries (one per day though).
If anything changes, I'll write it down here.
I'll delete this blog and/or make it private once it's been 30 days, so I will keep anonymity (Actually will just copy it and put it in my own personal archive).
It's actually been 1 week and one day since she broke up with me. I'll call her "Em". I had been in a relationship with her about 8 months when she sprang the news on me. It's been some of the biggest heartache I've felt in my life, but I'm moving on (or trying to).
Today was tough, but a lot better than it has been. I had been tempted to write her one more text or one more email or even a handwritten letter. I even saved a text I almost sent to her. It's getting harder and harder to resist.
I scour blogs and articles about what to do (or not to).
I want her back, badly.
But I also want to move on.
I'm plagued with indecision.
The problem is, the decision to not contact her is made even more difficult because I had neglected contact with her in the first place. We were in a long distance relationship after all.
I can say where it stands:
I saw her back on tinder on Saturday (it's Monday).
She still has me on snapchat and all the snaps and chats are saved, including the dirty ones she sent me.
She is still friends with me on facebook, read all the desperate pleas for reconciliation from last week, and has not blocked me (yet).
She is even still "matched" with me on ok cupid, it's like time has stopped with all social media and things are frozen in time.
I wonder why she does this, or lets this happen. It gives me (false) hope that we can fix things.
I kind of want her to delete me/block me/erase me and get things over with.
But at the same time, I want hope with her.
I pray every day, every day for an email, a snap, a text, a call, ANYTHING to hear from her.
Even if we're still broken up, just hearing from her would make me feel better.
I'm praying that we can at least be friends one day. I want more, but I took her for granted, and knowing how full of spite she can be about past lovers and relationships, I doubt she'll ever go for that.
I have the text saved ready to send to her. I wonder if I'll email her again, text her, try to call her, try to snapchat her, mail her underwear back to her that she left at my place, send her a birthday card, send her a "friendship" card, or whatever.
I know if I want her back, maybe I need to forget her for awhile.
I just don't fucking know.
Will she ever read this? Probably not. She seems to just ignore what I do now, doesn't seem to care anymore, one way or another. Maybe I should pull something for attention. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
I want guidance, a helping hand, a sign of what to do.
In the meantime, I pray. I pray that one day we can be back together. I pray that one day we can accept each other and love each other and be with each other.
I had a feeling about her when I met her, like she was some long lost friend or sister (as weird as it sounds).
I used to have daydreams about meeting certain people in my life, years back, and she seems to fit this description, among other things. I still don't know what this means but I know she was supposed to be in my life. It sounds fucking crazy, but maybe it is. I'm not even talking soulmate, or anything that dumb. Just someone that I was supposed to meet.
But I predicted in the daydreams there'd be a break. I had a lot of dreams back in the day about things that would happen.
I should probably just move on, stop the superstitious nonsense, and carry on.
Better than I had before.
I was in the gutter of depression and anxiety with her, and maybe this is supposed to be a relief. But I love her so much and want things to heal with us and ourselves.
I pray one day, one day that she is mine again.
It serves as multiple things.
It serves as a journal of my thoughts in my grieving process from my break up.
It serves as a gauge of where I am with the break up.
And who knows what else?
Either way, this will be a blog I write for the next 30 days.
I know I'm starting on day 4, but this idea just came to me today to write this blog.
It's going to document my "not contacting" "Em" and the feelings/actions involved.
I'll go more in detail probably about what happened as I do more entries (one per day though).
If anything changes, I'll write it down here.
I'll delete this blog and/or make it private once it's been 30 days, so I will keep anonymity (Actually will just copy it and put it in my own personal archive).
It's actually been 1 week and one day since she broke up with me. I'll call her "Em". I had been in a relationship with her about 8 months when she sprang the news on me. It's been some of the biggest heartache I've felt in my life, but I'm moving on (or trying to).
Today was tough, but a lot better than it has been. I had been tempted to write her one more text or one more email or even a handwritten letter. I even saved a text I almost sent to her. It's getting harder and harder to resist.
I scour blogs and articles about what to do (or not to).
I want her back, badly.
But I also want to move on.
I'm plagued with indecision.
The problem is, the decision to not contact her is made even more difficult because I had neglected contact with her in the first place. We were in a long distance relationship after all.
I can say where it stands:
I saw her back on tinder on Saturday (it's Monday).
She still has me on snapchat and all the snaps and chats are saved, including the dirty ones she sent me.
She is still friends with me on facebook, read all the desperate pleas for reconciliation from last week, and has not blocked me (yet).
She is even still "matched" with me on ok cupid, it's like time has stopped with all social media and things are frozen in time.
I wonder why she does this, or lets this happen. It gives me (false) hope that we can fix things.
I kind of want her to delete me/block me/erase me and get things over with.
But at the same time, I want hope with her.
I pray every day, every day for an email, a snap, a text, a call, ANYTHING to hear from her.
Even if we're still broken up, just hearing from her would make me feel better.
I'm praying that we can at least be friends one day. I want more, but I took her for granted, and knowing how full of spite she can be about past lovers and relationships, I doubt she'll ever go for that.
I have the text saved ready to send to her. I wonder if I'll email her again, text her, try to call her, try to snapchat her, mail her underwear back to her that she left at my place, send her a birthday card, send her a "friendship" card, or whatever.
I know if I want her back, maybe I need to forget her for awhile.
I just don't fucking know.
Will she ever read this? Probably not. She seems to just ignore what I do now, doesn't seem to care anymore, one way or another. Maybe I should pull something for attention. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
I want guidance, a helping hand, a sign of what to do.
In the meantime, I pray. I pray that one day we can be back together. I pray that one day we can accept each other and love each other and be with each other.
I had a feeling about her when I met her, like she was some long lost friend or sister (as weird as it sounds).
I used to have daydreams about meeting certain people in my life, years back, and she seems to fit this description, among other things. I still don't know what this means but I know she was supposed to be in my life. It sounds fucking crazy, but maybe it is. I'm not even talking soulmate, or anything that dumb. Just someone that I was supposed to meet.
But I predicted in the daydreams there'd be a break. I had a lot of dreams back in the day about things that would happen.
I should probably just move on, stop the superstitious nonsense, and carry on.
Better than I had before.
I was in the gutter of depression and anxiety with her, and maybe this is supposed to be a relief. But I love her so much and want things to heal with us and ourselves.
I pray one day, one day that she is mine again.
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